


How He Looks

by KeithMeLance



Series: The Way They Are [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Happy Ending, M/M, POV Marco Bott, Romance, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:41:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24743260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeithMeLance/pseuds/KeithMeLance
Summary: Marco had a big crush.His name was Jean Kirstein, his best friend, straight and in love with Mikasa.Things couldn't get worse for Marco.Except when they did, on a disastrous Valentine's day.
Relationships: Marco Bott & Jean Kirstein, Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein
Series: The Way They Are [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1789249
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	1. The Crush

**Author's Note:**

> This is my gift to all of you for Marco's birthday (with [a very well done video](https://youtu.be/CBeJ5WW9Wbk)) 
> 
> Also this is a two part story, see the series to read [Jean POV](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24743449/chapters/59820013)!
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy it <3

Marco had a big crush.

He didn’t know where exactly it started. Although he knew when he had finally admitted it to himself. He was 15, and just got into high school. But he had loved this person for much longer and he was sure to love them for much longer.

His name was Jean Kirstein.

On the first impression, Jean was a douche. Always moody, the impersonation of selfishness, a rich bastard just born on the right family.

But Marco learnt to know him. He learnt he was a generous person, someone who deeply care about the other, someone who you can trust, someone smart, someone skilled and hard-working, someone awesome.

And Jean was straight. And Jean loved Mikasa.

He thought he was subtle about it, but almost everyone knew. Even Mikasa knew. The only one who had no idea beside himself was Connie. But Jean could kiss Mikasa in front of him, Connie would still have no idea he loves her.

One of the many problems that came with this crush, was that Jean was Marco’s best friend. They have known each other for years. Played and hanged with each other for years. Marco’s feelings changed when they grew up. Puberty. Still, he found it a horrible cliché to fall in love with his best friend.

Somehow, Marco was glad Jean was his friend. He could still be close to him without anyone knowing about his undying love for him. If someone paid close attention, they could figure it out, but no one would pay attention to two bros being bros. The perfect cover. At least he did a great job hiding his crush. Unlike a certain someone.

But Marco couldn’t live like that forever. He had to confess to Jean, even if it meant losing his friendship. Or not. His mind was conflicted between confessing or not. It was too complicated for him to choose. The two option seemed to lead to suffering.

He only told Armin about it. Armin was wise for his age and really open-minded. And he knew Jean well too. His advice to Marco was to just do what he feels, what he thinks would be the best. Not really helping. If even Armin couldn’t say what he needed to do, it meant he was a lost cause.

On Valentine’s day, he had a vague idea of what was coming. Jean had been watching high school anime for a few weeks. No doubt he would have wanted to mimic them. Marco betted he would have even bought a chocolate box. Or worse, he’d have made one himself. That would be painful.

Still, Marco prepared for the day as if it was a normal day. He woke up at 6, showered, ate, woke his five siblings, and made them breakfast. His ‘Big brother duty’ as he likes to call it. It didn’t bother him to take care of them while their parents were at work. They worked a lot to have money for the kids to have a bright future. Marco admired them, thinking he would never be brave enough to do what they did for him.

When he left for school that day, he had a bad feeling. His stomach was knotted, and he had trouble focusing. Just the day he had an important history test. He wished for it to end soon. But he knew already how it was going to end. With Jean confessing to Mikasa. Honestly, the chances he got rejected were of 99%. All those who tried to win her heart failed. She was too devoted to Eren. Nonetheless, Marco was afraid of how this confession would turn out. She could accept his love.

But he didn’t see her as a threat. She was a great person, Jean’s feeling for her proves it. If they ever got together, he’ll be really happy for them. They would be a happy family, with two kids and a cute dog. The only thing left for Marco to do would be to move on. _But I can’t just move on from Jean._

That was selfish, and Marco hated this part of him. This part that couldn’t shut up when Jean was around, that wanted Jean only for itself, that made Marco have weird dreams about his friend. He wanted to eliminate that part. It was disgusting and wrong.

He always arrived at school before Jean, who wasn’t quite a morning person. But not that day. Jean was already there when Marco entered the school ground, chatting happily with Armin and Sasha. He was wearing his brown leather jacket, with the fake fur around the collar (Marco made sure that it was fake). He never wore it, except for special occasions. This time, Marco was sure Jean planned to confess that day.

“Hey guys!”

“Sup’ dude.” Politely answered Sasha.

“Morning, Marco.”

“Ready for the test?” asked Armin.

“I hope so. I’ll read it again one more time before to make sure. What about you?”

“I’m counting on Connie.”

“And I’m counting on you.” Said Jean to me with a wink.

“Why don’t you just learn? It’s not that hard.”

“Easy for you to say Armin. We don’t all have a high IQ.”

“Well, you certainly don’t.”

“Not nice Jean, not nice.”

The boy smirked in response. But Marco knew he didn’t need to cheat to have the answers for the test. Jean was smart and he probably studied, even if he claimed the contrary. Maybe it was to look cool, a lot of people actually do that. Although Marco thought Jean didn’t need to do that to be cool.

Armin and Sasha continued their conversation about whether or not burgers are a healthy meal. Sasha thought that yes, since it has vegetables, meat, dairy product, and everything your body need. On the other hand, Armin was saying that burgers aren’t healthy, they contain too much calories. A very passionate conversation, but just for the two involved. Marco wasn’t listening, he watched Jean, who was watching Mikasa.

Marco’s heart hurt as he observed Jean’s lovestruck expression. Because he would never look at him like that. But it let Marco all the time to look at him while he was busy stalking Mikasa. He engraved in his head every feature of him, from his eyes to his jawline, dreaming of letting his finger caress his face. _I’m so pathetic._

The morning had nothing remarkable. They went to class, sat, and listened to the teachers like good kids. Marco even allowed himself to peek at Jean daydreaming next to the window. Yeah, he watched too many high school dramas. But they never portrayed a one-sided love who would never be reciprocal. The protagonist and their crush always end up together. Because the goal isn’t to be realistic, it’s to give people good emotions.

_If we were in a drama, I’d have more chances to be with him. Maybe if I was a girl I could… Actually, I’d have more chances if I were anything but myself._

At lunch, Jean ate with him and Connie, but he wasn’t really there with them. His sight was lost in his food.

“Are you okay dude?” asked Connie.

“Yeah.” Jean didn’t even look up from his plate. He wasn’t hungry anymore. “It’s just … I think I’m a bit sick.”

“Well, you look as pale as a vampire. Maybe you should go to the infirmary.”

“No, I’ll be fine.”

One of Jean’s main feature was to never ask for help. He’d rather die than let someone do something for him. That didn’t make him less caring. Marco knew he cared at least a bit about him. He would never complain when he called him in the middle of the night, because he was thinking too much to sleep. Jean told him to get sleeping pills, but Marco answered he didn’t want to tell his parent about it. They worried enough already.

Connie rolled his eyes. Marco waited for Jean to look at him before mouthing a quiet ‘You sure?’ Jean answered with a nod. _Bullshit._ He wasn’t fine, he was far from it. The confession he planned was taking all of his mind. He had to be thinking about Mikasa and only about her. Marco lost his appetite.

On the afternoon, he couldn’t focus on the test. He stared at the questions in front of him without writing anything. He knew the answers, he just couldn’t bring himself to actually write them, to make sentences with words. He tried a million times to believe Jean’s love would get rejected once more but the fear took over. The fear to lose him over someone else. And people called Jean selfish. _I’m so much worse._

In the middle of the test, Marco felt a pressure on his foot. He looked at it and saw Jean’s leg. The blond was trying to get his attention. When Marco’s gaze found him, Jean move his arm so that he could see the answers he wrote. But Marco refused, the answers weren’t a problem. Everything else was.

He managed to write some words in the end. Sure, he couldn’t have done better. But it was like Jean was ruling his mind. And in a way or another Marco needed to take back the control he used to have. It was just a high school crush, they never last long. In five years, he would’ve forgotten about it. If he was lucky, he would fall in love with someone else, someone who’ll love him back.

Not that he was blaming Jean because their feelings towards each other weren’t the same. That wasn’t his fault. Marco liked to thing it wasn’t his either, but it wasn’t quite true, right? This feelings, emotions he had inside him weren’t induced by some witch who cast a spell on him. He couldn’t blame his thoughts on anyone but him.

Before the last period, Reiner and Berthold came to see him in the hallway. They were looking quite happy and Reiner overconfident as always.

“What’s up?”

“We have good news for you Marco!”

“You do?”

“Yes bud’. Bertl, tell him.”

“We actually, kinda set you up with Jean.”

All of Marco’s blood rushed to his face and he could feel it going red.

“You… what?”

“Well, Armin told us you had some trouble talking with him,” explained Reiner. “So we put a letter in his locker, without your name of course. You have to meet him behind the school after class!”

_This is the end of me._

“Wait, I didn’t want- “

He was interrupted by the bell. Reiner and Berthold left as fast as they arrived, without any further explanation, or apologies for not telling him sooner about this.

He had to run to class to make in barely in time. He got scowled by the teacher as he silently sat. Needless to say he didn’t learn a thing in class that day. His hands were sweating too much for him to hold his pen. From time to time his vision became blurry and he felt like he was going to pass out anytime. At least, Jean weren’t in his class that period.

He was impatiently tapping his foot on the ground. _If I hurry, I can catch him before he get the letter and explain it was just a prank._ He knew that was useless, since there was no name on it. But if Jean brought it up in a conversation later, Marco doubted he could hide his blush from him or if he could speak without stuttering.

So when the bell rang for the last time of the day, he dashed to the classroom door, and sprinted to the lockers. There was no Jean in sight.

“No, no…” Marco murmured to himself.

Reiner said he had to meet him behind the school. Marco ran the fastest his legs could, praying Jean wouldn’t think he send the letter for real. _He must not know… please…_

When he arrived at the trees behind the school’s building, Jean was already there, leaning nonchalantly against a tree’s trunk.

“Hello, you…” His voice sounded weird, like he was sick. He turned over and realized who he was talking to. And his face suddenly turned pale white. “Marco?”


	2. The Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm back!
> 
> Don't forget to check out [Jean's POV](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24743449/chapters/62927191) of this chapter!
> 
> And if you want more JeanMarco stuff, feel free to take a look at my [Tumblr](https://keithmelance.tumblr.com/)

“I can explain!”

“What the hell are you doing here Marco?”

Marco took a step back, realizing what he was doing. Coming there to meet Jean was a big mistake, he should’ve just gone home, or try to get the letter back. And not going directly to Jean. Only an idiot would have done that.

“I… Ugh…I came here to…”

“It’s strange…” Jean murmured, but not low enough for Marco to not hear.

“What’s strange?” he asked, hoping to take the conversation in a different way.

“Uh…I…No, forget it, it’s nothing.”

Jean suddenly became embarrassed too, and Marco felt a little bit better. He wasn’t supposed to know about Jean’s crush, who probably wanted to be buried with his secret if Mikasa didn’t love him back.

But she wasn’t here, unlike Marco. Which meant she hadn’t read Jean’s letter, or she ditched him once more. It wasn’t supposed to be a good thing, but Marco felt relived.

However Jean didn’t tell him about the letter he got, or about how Marco came exactly when his secret admirer was supposed to show up. Which was the boy’s luck. He had the chance to come up with an explanation, or else… His mind refused to come up with scenarios if he told him the truth. He hated lying, but he loved Jean more.

“I came here to talk with Mikasa,” Marco uttered.

Jean’s face brutally changes. From embarrassed, it went to confused, a brief moment of anger, and finally, a fake smug look.

“Mikasa, huh?”

“Hey, don’t judge me.”

“Nah, man she is awesome…I mean, she’s really cool.”

“So…Ugh…Have you seen her?”

Marco got more and more entangled in the web of his lies. Once he had started, he couldn’t stop himself. There was no turning back anymore. Maybe if he was lucky, Jean would progressively forget about it.

“No,” answered Jean. “I think she got back home dude.”

“Oh. That’s a shame.”

“Yeah…”

They stood in front of each other awkwardly, like they weren’t friends anymore. Marco guessed Jean would have the feeling he didn’t know his best friend anymore. They used to promise to always tell the truth to each other. Never hide secrets. They’ve come a long way since then.

“Should we…” Marco stuttered. “Go home?”

“Like together?”

“Yeah, it’s been a while since we walked home, just the two of us.”

“Okay. But I need to go to my locker first.”

“No prob.”

Jean led the way to the lockers, and Marco finally took a moment to breath. Never had he been this close to let his secret slip out. If it ever did, all his life was going to crumble. He still hadn’t come out to Jean, and to his own family. Armin was the only one to know.

When they just got in, he realized there was another problem. The letter was still in Jean’s locker. Marco made a mental note to tell Reiner that was a stupid idea. _Wait a minute…_ If Reiner and Berthold wrote the letter, that must have meant one things…they know about it too. Did Armin tell them? No, that wasn’t like him at all…But that wasn’t the main focus of the moment.

_Get the letter back and make sure Jean doesn’t go to his locker._

Jean abruptly stopped and Marco bumped into him.

“Jean?”

“Ah, sorry. Got lost in my thoughts.”

Maybe because his best friend just told him he has a crush on his crush. This whole story almost gave him a headache. That was too complicated. He wished he could just stop loving Jean and get back to a normal life without having someone in his mind 24/7.

Jean didn’t start walking again. He just stood there in front of Marco, not speaking, or moving. Meanwhile, Marco was using all his braincells to find a way to get out of that situation. _Reiner better buy me coffee for the rest of the semester._

One thing was sure, he wasn’t going to run away. His parents didn’t raise no coward. If he had to face Jean reading the letter in front of him, then so be it. He would deal with the consequences, no matter what could happen. Like Jean would say, fuck it.

“Jean, are you okay?”

“Yes, don’t worry.”

“You’ve been acting strange today…”

Cornering Jean like that didn’t felt right for Marco, but if it could have given him a chance to escape…

“It’s nothing, let’s go.”

He resumed walking towards the locker. Marco had a hard time keeping his breath slow and his heart was beating faster than after running 10 km. In less than a minute, he would have to explain a lot of thing, and maybe lose his best friend of all time…

“You know what Marco? Fuck it, let’s forget the locker. It’s not important.”

He let out a breath and almost collapsed from all the stress that was leaving him abruptly. But he managed to keep his composure and casually follow Jean. They left the school and Marco let go of the letter matter to enjoy this moment. He hadn’t got to spend much time alone with Jean these days, mostly because all the other boy was obsessed with was Mikasa.

“What happened to you during the test?” Jean said out of the blue. The sudden question destabilized Marco a little, but he quickly answered, so it didn’t sound like he was lying.

“I thought I had forgotten some stuff. I guess it’s the pressure that made me panic a little. Anyway, thank you for wanting to help me.”

“It’s nothing dude, you know you can always count on me.”

“Thank you.”

Marco did his best to creep out what could be call a smile. If he was honest to himself, he knew the relationship he had with Jean changed the moment he realized he was in love. And no matter what he could do or say, things wouldn’t ever be as comfortable as they used to be for him.

“Sounds like both of us had a rough day, huh?” Jean remarked.

“Yeah, I can’t wait to just plop on the couch and relax.”

“Same. I have this new game for my PS4, you should come over some day to try it out.”

“I’ll be glad.”

It was more common for Marco to go to Jean’s house, since they could have very little privacy at his, with all his siblings always peeping and playing around. And Jean lived with his mother only.

“And I’ll bring snacks.” Marco added.

“Hell yeah!” Jean could say what he wanted about Sasha, he was getting as excited as her when food was involved.

They walked down the street side by side, Marco going slower than usual to keep pace with Jean. It wasn’t because he was taller and had longer legs (even if he did), but because he was used to go always fast to never lose time. He hated to be late and had always a ton things to do. While Jean was more a “put off ‘til tomorrow what can be done today”, Marco was his total opposite.

And even so, they managed to stay friends for more than 10 years. Friendships like that were so rare, Marco knew it. He didn’t want to ruin all they had, all they built.

During the walk home, Jean made them stop at the coffee shop, to buy a cappuccino and chocolate muffins for both of them. Marco happily ate his, a sweet moment in the hell that had been that day for him.

“You see that Marco?” said Jean while waving around his half-eaten muffin.

“Yeah? It’s a muffin.”

“Not it’s bitesize paradise. A single crumb of it can send you above the sky.”

“Pfft, you sound like you’re high.”

“I’m high on muffin.”

He ended his sentence with a giant bite in it, puffing up his cheeks. His ridiculous face made Marco laugh, and the problems were away during a short moment. The Jean he got to see there was one only him could see. In the presence of other people, Jean changed his behavior, so stick with his false confidence.

Even if Jean’s house wasn’t in the same neighborhood as Marco’s, he still walked him home. They talked a lot and had some fun on the way, that made Marco somehow nostalgic of the time in middle school when they used to do that every day. And sometimes, they spontaneously organized sleepovers with just the two of them.

“Thank you Jean. For going home with me.”

“Well you know, it’s normal. And we haven’t hanged with each other for a while.”

“It’s true. We should do that more often.” Typically the type of thing you say when you’re not going to do anything more often.

“Well then, goodbye Marco.” said Jean as he walked away from him.

“Goodbye. Oh and say hi to your mom for me!”

“It’ll brighten up her day to hear about her second son!”

That was a running joke between them, to pretend Marco was also the son of Mrs Kirstein, with how much time he spent at her house. Marco didn’t expect Jean to bring back this old joke, but still laughed at it.

He got home and immediate started doing his chores. It was better for his parents to come home and seeing the place all nice and clean, and having nothing to do but rest from their day. His siblings were either doing their homework or playing silently. Marco could work in the calm, and could have all the time to think about what he did today. About the way he lied so easily to his best friend.

 _Wait a sec…_ Marco said he had a crush on Mikasa to Jean. Jean, who had a crush on Mikasa. So, did he see him as a rival after that? It was even worse than Marco could have imagined.

While putting the laundry in the machine, Marco wondered how he could get out of this mess. His best chance was to seek help from his dear friend, Armin. He would know what to do. And having a second mind to think this out could only made the whole situation better.

So after the laundry, he went to the bathroom to call him. He sat on the toilet, waiting for the boy to pick up. His left leg was bouncing nervously. The other boy voice finally echoed through the device.

[Hey Marco, what’s up?]

“I may have made a mistake or two.”

[How so?]

“Well you see, in some way or another Reiner and Berthold knew about…my crush.”

[Sorry to interrupt, but this need a more private setting.]

“Where are you?”

[Eren’s.] There was some noises, like a TV and people talking, and suddenly every ceased.

“Oh.”

[You can keep going.]

“So, Reiner and Berthold know, and they decided to put a letter in Jean’s locker, to make like a rendezvous with him, thinking I would have gone and confess my love.”

[Is that what you did?]

“Almost. I did go there, and Jean was waiting. He didn’t sound like he read the letter Rein wrote, and I had to come up with something to explain why I was here so I said I wanted to talk with Mikasa. I think he believes I have a crush on her now.”

[Oh, god.]

“Please Armin, help me, I don’t know what to do…” Marco panicked.

[First of all, calm down. Everything’s not lost.] Marco listened to his friend and tried to lower his heartbeat by breathing slowly. [Listen, for now, your secret is still safe. You can always tell Jean in a few weeks that you don’t like Mikasa anymore. And don’t worry about the letter, I will get it back for you.]

“You will?”

[Of course. I owe you since you helped me with this math paper.]

“Oh. I had forgotten about that.”

[Anyway, Eren is making signs with his hands, so I should head back. Don’t worry about anything, okay? I’ll get the letter back.]

“Thanks Armin. You’re the best.”

[Wait until tomorrow to thank me. Bye.]

“Bye.”

Marco hanged up, but he wasn’t feeling lighter than when he started this call. Armin could fail to get the letter; Jean could find it and make the connection with Marco coming to see him…

_Gosh, I feel like I’m not going to sleep tonight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Take care of you <3


End file.
